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Is This My Path to Losing Weight?

I’ve been flying United for years and every time we take our “descent” and I’m told to turn off all electronics by a very flaming gay flight attendant I grab my complimentary Hemisphere Magazine. After reviewing the best place to get a steak in New Mexico and who they best plastic surgeons are in Kansas City I always  notice this one particular ad. The ad used to tell me I could get all my exercise in 7 minutes a day with their machine. A few years later they said in 6 minutes. And, now, well, shiiiiiiit I can fit as fuck in 4 MINUTES. JUST 4 MINUTES!

Honestly, does anyone know a person with one of these machines? I think they sell for like $10k or something. Do they work? They’ve been advertising like a motherfucker so someone has to be buying these things. It looks like something Christopher Lloyd would build to go back and get Marty McFly. I sometimes wonder if it is a joke. Like some kid at the Hemisphere Magazine office just puts it in there and sees if some assshole will send $10k to get it. I mean the fucking thing looks like the flying machine from the Imaginationland episode of South Park.

The thing is though if it works I probably have to get one, right? I don’t have time to put clothes on, drive to the gym, check in and go upstairs to lift weights. I’d rather roll out of bed and take off in my ROM space machine in the basement – just doing all kinds of weird motions for 4 minutes and take shower. Christmas gift?

P.S. Is anyone even reading this fucking site?

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Hockey Player Gets All “Super Drunk”; Picks Up DUI While Wearing Purple Teletubby Costume

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — A Detroit Red Wings prospect faces charges under Michigan’s tough “super drunk” designation following a traffic stop during which police discovered him clad in a Teletubby costume.

According to a Grand Rapids police report obtained by MLive.com, Riley Sheahan twice registered a blood alcohol level of .30 percent when tested in jail after his arrest on Oct. 29.

 Police say the 20-year-old Grand Rapids Griffins center from St. Catharines, Ontario, was wearing the costume of a purple Teletubby known as Tinky Winky during the stop.

The “super drunk” charge carries a penalty of 180 days in jail and possible deportation. Sheahan also faces a charge of providing false information, as he was carrying the driver’s license of fellow Wings prospect Brendan Smith when he was arrested.

 According to the police report, Sheahan told police he was using Smith’s license so he could get into bars. Smith, 23, was the Red Wings’ first-round pick in 2007.

 The police report didn’t say how Sheahan got possession of Smith’s identification. 

Sheahan also was arrested on alcohol-related charges in 2010 (public intoxication, consumption by a minor) when he was a freshman at Notre Dame.

Wings assistant general manager Jim Nill says Sheahan is “getting help right now and will continue to get help.”

Sheahan’s next court hearing is scheduled for Dec. 13.

Got to respect it. Was going to respect it. But then didn’t respect it. Listen I’m all for the ol’ “super drink” Teletubby combo plate but the purple Teletubby, dude? That’s the one that carries a purse around and is a dude. Not a good look, bro.

Also, where does “super drunk” fall in the lineup of getting fucking loaded? I got it as…

1.) Buzzed

2.) Kinda Fucked Up Ya Know

3.) Loaded

3A.) Super-Drunk

4.) La-La-Loaded

5.) Sloshed

6.) Labeled

7.) La-La-Labeled

8.) Fucking’ LOADED

9. and 10.) Going BANANAS

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Don’t Believe the Hype: Boy Meets World Revisited Will Be Terrible

Boy already met world so give it a fucking rest. He doesn’t need to come back and I hate to break it to all of you but this just has bad idea written all over it.

First, do I have to remind of you Saved By The Bell: The College Years? Shit was terrible. It didn’t even last the whole season. Listen it was fun to watch Cory do his dumb little schtick when we were 12 but I don’t have time for his retardedness nowadays. Each morning when I wake up out of a hangover I see that Boy Meets World is on TV from 7-9 AM. I put it on for 5 minutes and then turn it because I remember how awful it was. George Feeny can suck my dick.

Oh wow I can’t believe they locked up Danielle Fishel for the sequel show. It must have cost theman arm and a leg to get her to sign on. I mean let’s take a look at what she has been up to since BMW:

The Chosen One
Donna Goldstein (voice)

2006 Dorm Daze 2 (video)
Marla

 
2004 Game Box 1.0
Kate/Princess

 
2003 National Lampoon Presents Dorm Daze
Marla

 
2003 Yes, Dear (TV series)
Katie

Sorority Girl (2003) … Katie
 
2002 The Nightmare Room (TV series)
Counselor

Camp Nowhere: Part 1 (2002) … Counselor
 
Killing it, Danielle! And Ben Savage? I thought he would be living off all the box office money he got from Car Babes. Oh, you haven’t seen it? It was a classic piece of shit. I am pretty sure Netflix paid the producers to not carry the movie in their database.
 

Listen I spent some most of my Friday’s watching BMW on TGIF like many of you. I laughed with Urkel, I cried with the girls on Step By Step and I rubbed one out to Topanga but we have to let things go sometimes. Leave it in the past, people. Besides there is no way they will be able to lock up Will Friedle aka Eric Matthews for the new show. I mean, look at what he has been up to:

Honestly, I didn’t think the kid couldn’t get any fucking stupider but now he is apparently a cop on Amish: SUV.

P.S. Have they even had sex yet? Topanga was such a prude cunt I bet that kid of theirs isn’t even theirs. Probably adopted him or some shit.

P.P.S. What is the point of having a new BMW if Ethan Suplee is skinny? You know Ethan as Frankie Stechino as the dimwitted sidekick to “Joey the Rat” Epstein. Well, he lost of bunch weight like an asshole. I bet his father really hates him now.

P.P.P.S. Cory’s father was an asshole.

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Bobo After Dark: 80’s Classic

Who cares if Eddie hasn’t made a good movie in 20 years this jam is a fuckin’ classic.

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Immature Red-Throated Loons Trying To Ruin Thanksgiving Again


Red-Throated Loons are so immature it isn’t even funny. A few Loons grew up on my street and were always egging people’s homes and shit … always putting whoopee-cushions on teachers seats. They will never grow up. Fuckin’ Loons. So immature.

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Asshole Scores 138 In College Game OH WOW

Kid you scored 138 against Faith Baptist. Faith Baptist! Pfffttt. Whatever, buddy. I dropped 59 against St. John’s CYO of Winthrop.

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Friends Don’t Let Friends Do “Mo-Vember”

Listen if you need a few bucks to beat dick cancer or whatever just ask Bobo because I’ll spot you the $56.78 you raise over 30 days after looking like an asshole. Now, don’t get me wrong I LOVE a good mustache. But I’m talking about a dude who fucking owns it. I’m talking about a guy who wakes up everyday and just loves that hair above his lip. He shampoos it, he trims it and treats it with respect and doesn’t cut it off on December 1st. I don’t have time for all these scrawny dudes showing up in bars laughing like little girls telling people, “I’m doing it for a good cause.” Guess what? I’ve given money all the time for charities and causes but I don’t like an asshole while doing it. Well, I do dress like a retard but that has nothing to with charity.

Anyways… friends don’t friend do homo-evember. If you honestly care about your “boys” then you are going to tell them to cut it out when they walk out of the house looking like Jeffrey Dahmer’s 11th grade yearbook picture. Just hand him a c-note and tell him to go back inside and shave that shit.

Seriously I’m all for helping out causes but why does everyone make a friggin’ event now about it? We can’t just give money and say, “good luck.” Maybe I’m old school. Maybe I’m a dick. Maybe I’m just telling it like it is.

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