As excited as I am to get back to the bean I’m going to miss days like this in the Bay Area … Friday afternoon and the sun is shining while the Bus Stop begins to prime my first of many vodka drinks. There is a 100% chance I’m getting LOADED and 150% change my lady goes BANANAS on me. But what are you going to do? The weather is the fucking balls right now and when if I walk 11 steps I can see the Pacific Ocean. God didn’t create alcohol so I could do push up’s in my apartment and eat tofu for dinner. He wants me to put a show and show I will put on, people. It is what I do. I live to play the jukebox, tell jokes, get LOADED and then beast Wendy’s. It’s in my DNA, motherfuckers. Now let’s enjoy another song and throw 3′s up like a true Sachem.
Everyone is different and I get that. But to me there is nothing better than taking a nice long shower and feeling absolutely ”fresh” afterwards. I’m talking cleaned up Bobo with a pair of new sweatpants and crispy clean AF1′s, maybe even throw on a new Sox 7 5/8th fitted. When I’ve showered and thrown on this get up I feel on point… my jokes are funnier, I get more LOADED, more broads are on my dick and my bets are all hitting. But before I can get to this point there is a crucial middle part so if you want to feel like a million fucking bucks follow along….
Step 1: Now there are many schools of thought to the shaving game… over the years I’ve developed my own strategy. First, put the sink water on the hottest level and let it blast. Then put the shower to the hottest possible level for a few minutes. Let that shit get steamy, boys. Once you got a nice cloud of steam take the shower water down a bit so you can get in. Now shave. Do it first thing while the steam got your pours all open and shit – your skin is going to feel much better and unless you got Michael J. Fox’s disease you won’t have any cuts on your face. Once you get out of the shower you throw this aftershave on right here:
This is the Cadillac of aftershave, people. Dudes have been using this since the 1800′s and shit. This is what the Monopoly man used after a hot shave. In Massachusetts you can still find the Clubman products at Walgreens or you can just go to one of the hair supply stores. Or, if you are broke, just take it off your barber’s counter. Can’t move on to you get hip to the Clubman.
Step 2: Dry yourself down and take out the one and only Johnson and Johnson baby powder (get that Gold Bond shit outta here – if is good for a baby’s dank ass it is good for me)
You want to take baby powder and pour just a small splash into your hands and then lightly clap so there isn’t powder all of the fucking place. This shit is going right under your balls and inner thighs. Again, I have to stress don’t use a lot. Having your dick taste like sweaty powder isn’t a good look with the ladies.
Step 3: The coconut factor. The blacks were up on the coconut game way before us white boys. They’ve been on this shit for years, people so make sure to thank a black guy if you see one. How much coconut lotion you put on yourself is totally up to you. I personally like to put a little on the forearms, legs and stomach (I have to use multiple bottles) - again, it varies for person and also depends how much cologne you wear. You won’t find your perfect apply rate of coconut lotion the first time around, it will take time.
Step 4: Irish Spring, motherfuckers. The Irish have been drinking in bars all day everyday since they invented beer so who better to get deodorant from then guys who are sweating booze out of their pores all day, eh? They got the antiperspirants game down to a science plus nothing beats that smell. If you wear Axe you got a lot of growing up to do. Real men wear Irish Spring even if they are Italian.
You need to make this step 4 because you need your body to breath a bit before putting on deodorant. Otherwise your shirts are going to be showing pit stains as soon as you leave the house. I even suggest putting the Irish Spring on after you’ve dressed yourself up. Make it the last step before leaving the house.
Growing up I’d never thought I’d be that old person sticking my nose up to new music but in the case of hip hop/rap it is totally fucking warranted. Not sure what day the music died for me but I think it was about 5 to 6 years ago. There have been a handful of solid albums over the years but for the most part everything has been shit. Now, listen, I know everybody has their own opinion and that’s cool but this is mine so shut the fuck up and listen…
Drake, Lil’ Wayne, J. Cole and Rick Ross are all dog shit. Occassionally, they have a track with a sick beat or they lay down a solid verse a couple times an album but for the most part their music is fucking atrocious – at least for my standards. I grew up, like most of you, in the heyday of hip-hop (I’ll argue this with anyone). We had Jay-Z coming up and actually spitting real shit (unlike the garbage he has put out lately) and obviously we had Biggie and Tupac but let’s even put them to the side for a minute. My favorite artists were any LOX member, Andre 3000, Eminem, Raekwon, Ghostface, Big L, Redman, Mos Def, Talib, Nas and pretty much everyone in the east coast rap scene from 1995-2001. Now I know all these artists are still around but they will even admit their best days are behind them. Nobody was just yelling over tracks and throwing out 4 syllable sentences.
That all said I’m in love with Common’s new ablum, The Dreamer/The Believer. This has the feel of that late 90′s/early 2000′s era. The lyrics are still raw and better yet they tell a story. The shit is refreshing I tell ya. I’ve listening to the entire album about 5 times this week already. It brings ya back. Maybe I still have hope for rap…
Again, if you like listening to Lil’ Wayne then do your thing it just isn’t my cup of tea. I’m for the days when you could just nod your head to Styles P spitting with Pharoah Monch in the summer on loop with the windows down. Give me some ‘Can I Live’ by early Jay or Outkast’s first album. Rap was rap then. Shit is terrible now.
I think it is only necessary that I start documenting the shit that goes on in my head while I attempt to sleep. As I’ve mentioned before I wake up at least 3-4 times per night so because of that I sometimes have a bunch of different dreams/nightmares/fucked up thoughts. The days I can remember what went on my head I will blog in hopes that one of the fatha followers knows what it is wrong with me. This isn’t one of my crazier ones but let’s start from last night’s……
January 5th/6th, 2011
I find myself arguing with some coach that looks like similar to Brian Dennehy (the father from Tommy Boy). We are discussing the merits of playing a zone against the team we are facing (I say it is time to go man to man) . At this point I got no clue who we are playing or where the fuck we are but I am 100% sure we should be playing man to man. Someone bangs on our locker room door saying the second half is about to start. We run back out to the court but we aren’t playing in doors. We are apparently playing a night game outside. However, the place sits around 4,000 people in high-rise metal bleachers.
Our team is wearing all orange uniforms and consists of Kevin McHale, Danny Ainge, Joe Kleine, Bobby Hurley, Christian Laettner, Glenn Robinson, 2 big white blonde kids that come off the bench to who play center and PF and some old black dude who I’ve never seen before but seems to be the leader of team. Aside from the old black dude (who played PG/SG) everyone is in their early 20′s. The other team is in all blue uniforms and has no white players. Everyone is black and no player is even light black. I don’t recognize many of the faces but I do know they have Bernard King and Tiny Archibald (who are also in their early 20′s).
We were losing by a few at the half and come out to a great start. Bobby Hurley is throwing some fucking sick passes and Ainge’s shot is on. For the next 6-8 minute we hold down a 9 point lead. All of a sudden the other team goes into this crazy press and starts picking up the tempo. We can’t stay with them at all and now the lead that we built is gone. I get myself into foul trouble and miss my next 3 shots. Me and Laettner start yelling at each other and the coach pulls me out of the game…
Someone one starts yelling that I snore too loud and to either “lose weight or stop drinking!” – that wasn’t part of my dream. That was my lady screaming at me last night causing me to wake up and to enter phase 2….
My coach and I walk back to some community center down the street without saying a word to each other. We walk into some bath house where a bunch of old dudes are taking steams and saunas. The coach finally says, “not sure what we are going to do but I’m in a serious hole, kid.” I got no clue what that means and I tell him that I’m going to the bathroom before taking a steam. I never come back.
Now I find myself in some huge fucking warehouse that sells liquor and VHS tapes for rent. For some reason I’m carrying around a huge fucking bottle of cake flavored vodka. I keep walking around looking for movies that show some skin but aren’t obvious in the title, you know, like early 80′s horror movies and shit. I decide to open up the bottle while walking around and starting killing drinking. I soon find myself walking around in sweatpants with no shirt on just crushing this bottle of cake vodka. I start looking around to see if there are cameras in this huge warehouse (picture it like a Costco) because I plan on just putting the bottle down and bolting. I’ve finished around 75% of it. All of a sudden this seedy guy in his mid-40′s comes around the corner (the type of guy that would be at the counter of a movie rental shop in the late 80′s/early 90′s) and he gives me a look like ‘what are you doing with that bottle?” I tell him I’m buying and not to worry just need to find a movie. I continue to gloss over the movies and find myself wondering if I should rent Pulp Fiction. I continue to look at the movie and back at the seedy dude to see if he is watching me. All of a sudden I just bounce… boom, I wake up.
** This wasn’t meant to be funny or anything like that. I just want to start documentiing what is going on in my head at night. I wrote this blog as soon as I woke up so I could remember as many pieces as possible. **
I love my boyfriend but I don’t know if we are compatible. We’re in our mid-late 20s, each other’s first serious relationship, and he means so much to me and takes such good care of me. He’s sweet and cuddly and funny. We’ve been together a year and a half, part of which we were long distance. However, I can’t figure out if there are real problems or if I have found someone awesome who loves me like crazy who I need to accept as is.
Specifically, I am not sure about his drinking. I don’t think I drink much — maybe a glass of wine at dinner on a weekend or a beer or two at a party tops. He’s a big sports-watching, likes-to-have-a-drink-or-two-to-relax at night kind of guy. At a social event he’ll drink a lot — I’ve seen him binge drink in a social setting two or three times. Also, I recently saw a half empty bottle of vodka in his cabinet and it freaked me out because I think that’s a lot to drink. I don’t think he’s had it for more than two to three weeks and he’s the only one who could have consumed it. Based on his family history and things he’s told me about himself and his past, I think he has addictive tendencies, though I don’t think he’s an alcoholic now.
I know that I have addictive tendencies myself, and I have family members with alcoholism. I am careful never to have more than a glass once in a while because I know my limits and I’m not going to tempt fate. I’ve also talked to professionals about these issues. I do not want an alcoholic in my life, or as my partner. My boyfriend and I have talked about my concerns and he reassures me that he is in control of his drinking. I believe him and I’m sure he could let it go if he needed to, but he doesn’t. I have doubts, but I don’t think it’s my place and I don’t want to nag him to stop drinking either.
There’s added pressure to figure this out because we’re both about to finish grad school and we’ll need to figure out where we’re going next career-wise and location-wise. We’re at a point in our relationship where he wants to think about maybe moving in together and to think about marriage. I feel like it’s rushed and that I still need to take care of my career and explore and live in new places. (I’ve told him as much.) We’re on separate pages.
Are these drinking behaviors a “guy” thing? Am I being oversensitive about his drinking? Does it matter? Will it matter in the future? Are we just not compatible?
– Lost in Lynn
What a cunt, huh?
At first I thought this could have somehow been directed at me I read the dude killed a half a bottle of vodka in less than THREE WEEKS! Holy shit, batman. You need to get that dude in rehab stat! All kidding aside I can’t stand when people say this shit. Some people need to drink and it just is what it is. Here I’ve put a set of questions for you, Lost in Lynn, to answer…
Has he punched you in the face?
Has he shit in your parents bed?
Does he not have a job?
Does he hit you up for money and go drinking with it?
Does he listen to Coldplay?
Is he physically unable to fuck you while inebriated?
Does he think Barstool is funnier than Howzyafatha?
If you haven’t answered “yes” to any of the above then the motherfucker is fine. Seriously, I get this shit all the time. When I’m not drinking everyone is like, “Bobo you’re miserable today!! You suck when you aren’t drinking! Why aren’t you talking? Blah blah blah… Then I drink and everyone fucking loves me. I’m the belle of the ball, the fucking balls. But the next day everyone is saying I drink too much and I got a problem. Well, what the fuck do you want? Want me to put a show on all the time? OK, then give me my juice. If someone goes to the gym all day like a dick to feel better we praise them. If someone takes pills to keep themselves from jumping off the ledge we understand but if I drink to put up with all your retards I get crushed in the press. It really doesn’t make sense. If everyone likes me when I drink and hates me when I don’t then why can’t I just be drunk all the time? Honestly, I’ve yet to hear a good argument to this day as to why I need to stop drinking. I can do everything drunk that I can sober in fact even better. I don’t ask people for money, I don’t impose on people and I’m funny as fuck. Let me drink.
I’ve covered this shit before but I’ll say it again, if you watch Jersey Shore tonight you’re an asshole.
I think I loved the show more than anyone the first season when it aired (well, the beginning of the first season). I loved the premise and idea of these meat heads cramped in once space but now the show is absolute shit and it is embarrassing. You’re embarrassing yourself even more but watching it so I’m calling out for all of you to watch something, anything else (except Real Housewives).
I actually want the show to continue but just not with this cast. If everyone turns their back on these homos then we can get some fresh blood up in this piece or better yet they can start working on the Southie version of the show which would be 30x times better. I don’t ask for much but don’t watch the Jersey Shore tonight. If you need something to watch I can FedEx my highschool basketball college tape to you.
PS – 100% my lady watches the show when I pass out drunk on the couch tonight.
I have always loved this song but why I haven’t seen this video until today is beyond me. Gold, pure gold, Jerry. The opening dance, the keyboard, the mustache… it has everything. I’ve played it 18 times already.
PS – I had 4 posts today. I think that is the most since August.
