I’m two weeks into marriage and already close to filing for a divorce. Dead serious. Let me explain…
I got bigger-than-average thighs. It has always been the case. Even when I was rocking a six-pack back at The Winch I still wore “husky” jeans. It has always been a struggle for me to find a pair of jeans that fit just right. Eventually, I find that awkward 36×31′s in the Macy’s clearance rack and I begin to wear the shit out of them. I find that jeans don’t get comfortable until you’ve worn them 5-7 times and passed out on the couch with them on at least once. I never wash my jeans. I refuse to. It takes me forever to build that perfect mix of comfort and support and with one simple wash that is all gone. Then, after that fatal wash, they are fucking stiff again, it hurts to sit down and I generally just hate life.
After wearing my favorite jeans I always stick them back in the same place (middle row of closet compartment, stage left) and every once in a while when I go in to grab them they are gone. Where do they go? Well, my lady thinks they need to be washed. Even after repeated requests not to wash them she keeps fucking doing it. It isn’t like I was playing with Benny Rodrigues in the Sandlot and got in a pickle forcing me to slide home. I didn’t fall in the ocean after looking for gold with the Goonies. I just wore them out to the fucking bar. There is no need to be washing them. Also, a few months ago while traveling for work I picked up a copy of GQ. In that particular issue there was some queer saying that you shouldn’t wash jeans and this dude was on Project Runway or some shit. If that dude told my lady not to wash them she would listen but not Bobo. Just keeps going against my requests.
So… am I crazy here? Do I really need to be washing my jeans all that often or at all? As long as the socks and boxers are clean I think it is good to go. Thoughts? Anybody want to be the first commenter of the new era?