The week between Christmas and New Years Day provides some of the greatest cable movies known to man but it also features some of the shittiest movies ever to be made. This morning I woke up in a drunken stupor to find my lady watching Step It Up 3. Ordinarily, I’m getting up and leaving the room if any of this junk is on but I was so hungover I couldn’t make the effort. At first I thought the entire movie was just a comedy. Honestly, they must have had to do hundreds of takes for each scene because there is no fucking way anyone could keep a straight face while reading some of these lines. Anyways, the plot looks like one of my 7th grade book reports: half-assed, not proofread and done during home room period. I was just about set to just bash this movie and another gem I watched for 8 minutes this week, Drumline, but here is the thing Step It Up made over $160 fucking Million at the box office and it only cost $30 Million to make. What the fuck? Is there anything people won’t watch these days? I ask because it seems that any fucking idea can become a movie now, which is great because I have a shit ton of ideas that need to be taken to the big screen. Here is a small taste:
Searching for Pink Strawberry : This movie will feature the short hippie red-headed dude who worked at Lil’ Peach in the late 80’s. He’ll walk in to Tedeschi’s one day and ask where they all pink strawberry Starburst packages are only to be told the don’t have any AND never had any. The hippie dude, who is now in his early 60’s, will grab a team of people to set out and find the all pink Starburst packages, including Bobo (who will probably be played by Timberlake or Damon). It will pretty much be like Goonies but instead of treasure they’ll set out for the mysterious pink starburst packages.
Food Club: Another stolen idea (taken from Fight Club obviously) that’s plot will feature on an underground hardcore eating circuit. Dudes will face off from all around the country and there will different groups and shit like fast food tourneys, steak eating contests and straight junk food. There will be a twist at the end and the whole time the narrator will be bulimic.
The Local Nut Job (a documentary): This film will have me going around to different towns and doing a small featurette on the town weirdo. Each town has one and I want to share their stories. I’ll talk to family members, locals and obviously the nut job themselves. I will do research and learn about when they became nuts, why the became nuts and their plans for future nuttiness. Actually, I think this would be a pretty good fucking movie.
The Average Guy: This movie will be a real disappointing one for many but I can see obscure and pretentious NYC doucebags saying it is great. The plot? Nothing really. It just shows the story of a normal guy. He won’t be that good-looking and 50th percentile for his weight at age 32. He doesn’t have any dark secrets and is pretty fair and nice to everyone he sees. It will just have him going to dinner, sleeping and going to work. The opening scene will have the “average” guy taking a shower and then eating cereal and will take 25 minutes. The movie will have no plot whatsoever and I’ll have 4 sequels.
White Out: Set in present day it will be story of an all white basketball team either in NYC or Chicago that goes on to win the city championship. They will all go to class, be very respectful and run the Princeton offense. The catch? The 6th man will bang the 7 foot black kid from the rival school’s girlfriend and she will get pregnant.