For the past decade I’ve been flying all over the fucking planet. Mostly, it is has been for work which means I’m hopping on a plane every other day or so to go meet some assholes in the quote unquote “business world.” Because of my jet-setting ways I’ve learned that I can pretty much judge a person by the way the travel on an airplane and, in short, most of you are a bunch of fucking dickheads. However, since I am prone to helping morons and idiots out from time to time I’m going to shine some fucking advice on you. Take note.
How to recognize a Japanese person vs. Chinese: The Japanese are on point when it comes to air travel. The Chinese on the other hand are bunch of fucking retardos. First, the Japanese are obsessed with small stuff, small computers, small carry-on bags, small penises, etc. That said they get through security lines like it is nobody’s business. But Chinese are people are another story. They usually have no clue where they are fucking sitting, they are carrying bags 8x too big to fit in an overhead compartment and just nod incessantly when you tell them what it is going yet the have no fucking clue what is going on. Don’t get caught behind a Chinaman or you will be waiting a loooong time.
Don’t ever get up to get your bag in the overhead compartment when you are in row 37 and nobody has got off the plane: This might be my biggest pet peeve of all fucking time and that is saying A LOT. Unless you got some blood flow issues with your legs then you need to sit the fuck down or, if you must get up, stand up directly where your seat is. You aren’t the only person that wants to get off the plane. There really is no bigger dickhead than someone who makes people in his row get up so he can go open an overhead compartment right next to you and hold his asshole backpack up in your grill. Just fucking wait, dude. Sit down and relax. And another note to that, you are even a BIGGER asshole if you pull this move and you have checked in luggage. They don’t take yours out first if you knock down seven people in the aisle and get to baggage claim first. Shit comes out at the same time.
Just shut your fucking phone down when they tell you to: Listen I got my phone sitting on my dick when we are about to touch down faster than anyone. Why? Because when you are touching down the pretentious stewardesses are sitting upfront with their seatbelts on like everyone else. They aren’t roaming the aisle acting like a teacher that caught you cheating in math class back in ’92. You got them beat and can turn that sucker on early. HOWEVER, once they’ve shut the fucking doors when they are about to take off just shut it off. No if’s, and’s or but’s just shut the fucking thing off. Everyone just wants to get off the plane and get to their destination. The last thing I want to do is listen to some broad ask you 5 times to shut it down and threaten not to take off. You aren’t an agent trying to sign LeBron to a new sneaker contract. You are just some asshole with an iPhone. Angry Birds can wait. Grow up.
Don’t order some smelly shit to eat on the plane: If you like to eat Indian or sandwiches with 18 sauces that’s cool. Do you but just don’t bring it on a plane. Nowadays everyone is on fucking top of each other on planes and the last thing we all want is you chomping a-fucking-away on some burritos while I’m trying to read my copy of Hemisphere. Hey, I’m a fat kid. I love to beast some food all day everyday but I keep that shit off planes. A man got to live by a code. Either get to the airport earlier and beast that shit or wait until we land. You aren’t going to die they’ve got an unlimited supply Terra Blue potato chips on Jet Blue, trust me.
Rules to the seat decline and armrest game: This is where shit really gets real. The game has rules and you got abide but this shit. I’m going to keep simple here, if the person in front of you doesn’t have their seat declined then don’t bring yours down. If they decide to put their head on your lap then feel free to get low with your shit. No discussion there. Now, the armrest. If you got the window you have some serious lean game. You can sway your body to one side up against the window and get a little comfortable. If you got the aisle you can straight let your balls or vagina hang out like a boss with the aisle space. The middle man? The middle man ain’t got shit, dude. He ain’t got nothing! So, with that said, he gets both armrests next to him. That is if he wants them. I’m an aisle man myself and I’ll give a person a 5-10 minute window once we get on the plane to jack the armrest. After that it is fair game but I’m all about respect for the middle man.
Farting: You need to have at least 2 vents above you pumping air and you need to drop it either when they are bringing the drinks to your row or one of the people in your row get up to go the bathroom. Why? Well, usually when they are bringing over drinks there are madd people in your vicinity and cans are being opened up and left. It’s hard to decipher where a sound or smell is coming from. And the other time allows you to cast blame on the person that went to the bathroom because you can look over at the other passenger and give that face like “ah, that’s why that person got up, motherfucker shitting himself.” There are a few other moves here but that is my advice. Also, know your ass. You need to know what kind bomb you are dropping if you catch my drift.
If you are in the last boarding section for your plane and they say the flight is full and you should probably check in your bag now just fucking do it: I’ve been on about 70 flights where this happens and every time you get asshole who think they are better than the system and still tries to bring their huge bag on the plan. Now everyone on the plane has to wait 10 extra minutes while you search every overhead compartment while the stewardess continually tells you there is no fucking space. Then you got to take it back to the lady at the counter. The lady at the counter does about 2,500 flights a year, buddy, she knows your shit ain’t fitting up in the overhead when you are the 234th person on the plane. Yeah, you wanted to just bring carry on? Well, sign up for Mileage Plus, bitch.
I paid for my ticket, so if I want to recline my chair, I am going to recline my chair even if the person in front of me doesn’t do it. Fuck the person behind me. I probably don’t know them, and will never see them again. I do enough good things in my life where I can just care about my comfort on a plane and screw everyone else.
Do you what you need to do. A man got to have a code.
Not like it really matters with me. I hardly ever fly anywhere. Last time I was on a plane was 2008. Also I have a code. It is a drunken code, but that is still a code.