I’ve been flying United for years and every time we take our “descent” and I’m told to turn off all electronics by a very flaming gay flight attendant I grab my complimentary Hemisphere Magazine. After reviewing the best place to get a steak in New Mexico and who they best plastic surgeons are in Kansas City I always  notice this one particular ad. The ad used to tell me I could get all my exercise in 7 minutes a day with their machine. A few years later they said in 6 minutes. And, now, well, shiiiiiiit I can fit as fuck in 4 MINUTES. JUST 4 MINUTES!

Honestly, does anyone know a person with one of these machines? I think they sell for like $10k or something. Do they work? They’ve been advertising like a motherfucker so someone has to be buying these things. It looks like something Christopher Lloyd would build to go back and get Marty McFly. I sometimes wonder if it is a joke. Like some kid at the Hemisphere Magazine office just puts it in there and sees if some assshole will send $10k to get it. I mean the fucking thing looks like the flying machine from the Imaginationland episode of South Park.

The thing is though if it works I probably have to get one, right? I don’t have time to put clothes on, drive to the gym, check in and go upstairs to lift weights. I’d rather roll out of bed and take off in my ROM space machine in the basement – just doing all kinds of weird motions for 4 minutes and take shower. Christmas gift?

P.S. Is anyone even reading this fucking site?

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — A Detroit Red Wings prospect faces charges under Michigan’s tough “super drunk” designation following a traffic stop during which police discovered him clad in a Teletubby costume.

According to a Grand Rapids police report obtained by MLive.com, Riley Sheahan twice registered a blood alcohol level of .30 percent when tested in jail after his arrest on Oct. 29.

The “super drunk” charge carries a penalty of 180 days in jail and possible deportation. Sheahan also faces a charge of providing false information, as he was carrying the driver’s license of fellow Wings prospect Brendan Smith when he was arrested.

 According to the police report, Sheahan told police he was using Smith’s license so he could get into bars. Smith, 23, was the Red Wings’ first-round pick in 2007.

 The police report didn’t say how Sheahan got possession of Smith’s identification. 

Sheahan also was arrested on alcohol-related charges in 2010 (public intoxication, consumption by a minor) when he was a freshman at Notre Dame.

Wings assistant general manager Jim Nill says Sheahan is “getting help right now and will continue to get help.”

Sheahan’s next court hearing is scheduled for Dec. 13.

Got to respect it. Was going to respect it. But then didn’t respect it. Listen I’m all for the ol’ “super drink” Teletubby combo plate but the purple Teletubby, dude? That’s the one that carries a purse around and is a dude. Not a good look, bro.

Also, where does “super drunk” fall in the lineup of getting fucking loaded? I got it as…

1.) Buzzed

2.) Kinda Fucked Up Ya Know

3.) Loaded

3A.) Super-Drunk

4.) La-La-Loaded

5.) Sloshed

6.) Labeled

7.) La-La-Labeled

8.) Fucking’ LOADED

9. and 10.) Going BANANAS

Boy already met world so give it a fucking rest. He doesn’t need to come back and I hate to break it to all of you but this just has bad idea written all over it.

First, do I have to remind of you Saved By The Bell: The College Years? Shit was terrible. It didn’t even last the whole season. Listen it was fun to watch Cory do his dumb little schtick when we were 12 but I don’t have time for his retardedness nowadays. Each morning when I wake up out of a hangover I see that Boy Meets World is on TV from 7-9 AM. I put it on for 5 minutes and then turn it because I remember how awful it was. George Feeny can suck my dick.

Oh wow I can’t believe they locked up Danielle Fishel for the sequel show. It must have cost theman arm and a leg to get her to sign on. I mean let’s take a look at what she has been up to since BMW:

The Chosen One
Donna Goldstein (voice)

Listen I spent some most of my Friday’s watching BMW on TGIF like many of you. I laughed with Urkel, I cried with the girls on Step By Step and I rubbed one out to Topanga but we have to let things go sometimes. Leave it in the past, people. Besides there is no way they will be able to lock up Will Friedle aka Eric Matthews for the new show. I mean, look at what he has been up to:

Honestly, I didn’t think the kid couldn’t get any fucking stupider but now he is apparently a cop on Amish: SUV.

P.S. Have they even had sex yet? Topanga was such a prude cunt I bet that kid of theirs isn’t even theirs. Probably adopted him or some shit.

P.P.S. What is the point of having a new BMW if Ethan Suplee is skinny? You know Ethan as Frankie Stechino as the dimwitted sidekick to “Joey the Rat” Epstein. Well, he lost of bunch weight like an asshole. I bet his father really hates him now.

P.P.P.S. Cory’s father was an asshole.

Who cares if Eddie hasn’t made a good movie in 20 years this jam is a fuckin’ classic.

Kid you scored 138 against Faith Baptist. Faith Baptist! Pfffttt. Whatever, buddy. I dropped 59 against St. John’s CYO of Winthrop.

Listen if you need a few bucks to beat dick cancer or whatever just ask Bobo because I’ll spot you the $56.78 you raise over 30 days after looking like an asshole. Now, don’t get me wrong I LOVE a good mustache. But I’m talking about a dude who fucking owns it. I’m talking about a guy who wakes up everyday and just loves that hair above his lip. He shampoos it, he trims it and treats it with respect and doesn’t cut it off on December 1st. I don’t have time for all these scrawny dudes showing up in bars laughing like little girls telling people, “I’m doing it for a good cause.” Guess what? I’ve given money all the time for charities and causes but I don’t like an asshole while doing it. Well, I do dress like a retard but that has nothing to with charity.

Anyways… friends don’t friend do homo-evember. If you honestly care about your “boys” then you are going to tell them to cut it out when they walk out of the house looking like Jeffrey Dahmer’s 11th grade yearbook picture. Just hand him a c-note and tell him to go back inside and shave that shit.

Seriously I’m all for helping out causes but why does everyone make a friggin’ event now about it? We can’t just give money and say, “good luck.” Maybe I’m old school. Maybe I’m a dick. Maybe I’m just telling it like it is.

I fucking hate Flo Rida. Hate his lyrics. Hate his wanna-be LL Cool J style. Hate his jacked Malcom X dress attire. Hate his fucking shitty projects. Hate his name. I do, however, love this song for some reason. When I hear it I start preseting more glow sticks than Swirling in the BBC during the summer of 1999. Shit just moves me. Bobo after dark. I’m back.

So now what? Notre Dame i now s #1 in College Football AP Poll. Big fucking’ whoop. Do all we get blow jobs? Is Jesus coming back down to earth to flip the coin before their next game? No? Then why is everyone flippin’ out like little fucking girls? I don’t get it. They hired and fired about 78 coaches the last 12 years for this? Oh wow they are #1. OH WOW.

I guess you can mark me as one of those people that just don’t get the infatuation with Notre Dame ESPECIALLY if you didn’t even go to school there. I mean I love Rudy  as much as the next guy but I still won’t jerk off all over my TV when they beat a shitty USC team next week and get a bid to the championship game.

P.S. If you actually haven been watching their games you will know that Alabama will beat the shit out of them. They should have lost to Standford and Pitt. They couldn’t even blow out BC – who, by the way, would probably lose to BC High if they played on Thanksgiving.

Fresh new Nike kicks? Check.

Ascetic lifestyle? Check.

Nutbags that want you to join all the time? Check.

I, for one, ain’t following for it. Nope, not Bobo. I know where the gym is located. I know how lifting weights work. I’ll get there some day when I’m ready for it but fucking relax with all your Crossfit shit in my face, cool? I don’t need to lift rocks while sitting on a barrel in a parking lot to get laid. I’m getting laid on a pretty consistent basis and you know what I did today? I ordered a sub and fries from my couch while watching Road House and Butterfly Effect (fucking terrible but I sat through it) back to back. I didn’t a single push-up but drank 4 glasses of orange soda. Fuckin’ loved it too.

If you have any close friends or family in a Crossfit program get them the fuck out ASAP unless you want them to be chugging some “new protein shake” and taking a suicide flight up to a UFO. I’ve seen this shit before people. This Heaven’s Gate v. 2.